Wildflower

I’m not always vocal about my faith – mostly because I journey this life wishing to experience it in me, through me, and around me. This includes observing others as they do the same and wanting to find connection before opposition. I do not always know when my journey is influencing others nor when others are influencing me. I trust it happens – constantly. Though there are moments when I’m struck so strongly with the obvious effect on my life that I must sit and reflect on the long path that has been winding to that particular moment.

When I was 18, my birthday present from my mother was a tattoo. She was very eager about the present, and I spent a solid few weeks contemplating how I could wrap as much of my identity up into a single permanent impression on my skin. I decided on a fleur de lis (a symbol meaning life) with Celtic knot-work (a symbol of eternity and a reflection of my Celtic heritage) done in a henna brown color between my shoulder blades. With its size being bigger than a softball, it was certainly an ambitious first tattoo, but I tend to fully embrace commitments.

First

It healed beautifully, but within a year or so, the color had started to fade away. I got it touched up to bring the life back to it, but within another year, the color was fading again. It was as though my skin was rejecting the ink. I was tired of going back and sitting under the needle for two hours each time just to hope it would stick and being sorely disappointed (in more ways than one). So, I decided to allow the artwork to continue to fade away for the next decade.

During this time, I had an experience that defined my belief in a higher power, and the concept of eternal life came to have a new meaning. A few years later, I was having a conversation with the universe, and I came to have a new understanding of myself. It has a name for me – a secret name, a powerful one. It calls me “Wildflower,” and I saw myself in an open field, filling it with complex and ornate colors as I encouraged life to spring forth around me.

It was a beautiful concept – one I could only hope I could look back on my life and possibly witness the fruits born from it. But years passed and the memory became faded, or perhaps it just simply became part of me. Sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference between the two.

Until recently. There has been some drastic movement in my life where I have been able to transition from breadwinner and momma to being able to have a renewed focus on a lifelong dream to pursue writing as a career. This is the beginning of a very long journey, but it has stirred change in my life. Positive change.

I looked in the mirror one morning and noticed the faded, discolored, splotched “artwork” on my back, and I suddenly, absolutely had to do something about it. Within a day, I had a consultation at a local tattoo studio and two days later I was under the needles again.

Now, my tattoo was so faded that I truly could have had anything cover it. Instead, I instantly decided I would keep the fleur de lis, but I would do it in a black outline with an explosion of watercolor from behind it.

To give you a little more insight into my character, I don’t do color well. I live in neutral tones. My home, my clothes, my car color – neutrals, please. If I try to incorporate color, everything gets disconnected and out of hand quickly. Still, I was set on the foreign concept of vibrant hues becoming a permanent part of my body.

Maybe I have a rash personality. I do operate very swiftly and decidedly. The tattoo artist free-handed the work, and by the end of it, he had incorporated every color of the rainbow. I trusted him completely. After all, nearly anything would have been better than the stain I had before.

Tat

I have to say that I absolutely love my new tattoo. It’s more beautiful than I ever could have imagined. I feel its presence on my back, because I can feel the identity it is pulling from me. A day after I got it, I was talking to my husband, and I was suddenly struck by the remembering of that conversation I had with the universe.

It wasn’t rashness. It wasn’t nonchalance. It wasn’t coincidence. I was moved by my true identity that I strive to live within every day. I want to bring light to this world with knew understandings as I lift people up with support and encouragement.

My old identity is covered over by the new. The old tattoo is still there. The outline of the fleur de lis remains, but I am both and the same. I am free to live a bold life, proud of my values and with a desire to spread forth the color. Trust in what I cannot see in the mirror. Instead, I must twist about to see what is on my back. My new art serves as a physical reminder that the universe moves through me and around me in majestic ways, and I am free and eager to witness and participate in this beautiful life.

*** A special thank you to Fredo at @LiquidInkLubbock in Lubbock, TX for unknowingly serving as a vessel with his genius talent.

2 thoughts on “Wildflower

  1. Thank you for being so in touch and able to express so eloquently with what you feel guides you and lives within you. I envy anyone that is so good with words as you show here. The colors produced by a prism are a beautiful thing. I keep one in my vehicle and one at work just so whenever the sun in out i can reach for it to show me there is beauty in light when you just know how to access it. I have the utmost respect for people that outwardly express their faith as your tattoo does. While that’s something that I haven’t considered trying in the many years I’ve bern on this earth, I have worn a cross around my neck (but out of sight unless I’m at the beach /pool) for almost 20 years and feel it guides me daily (but I’ll admit I probably could do better at times to quiet my mind more and listen for guidance instead of following irrational impulse). I also lately, like the last several months, have found a much greater level of Positivity about life and others , to go along with the faith that was already inside me where I generally tried to see the beauty in the world even when I constantly couldn’t see or feel it in me, after I was able to talk through many many concerns with a neuropsychologist and learned that for most of my life I had been frankly a prisoner of high anxiety & mild depression. Ever since I was able to obtain help (yes, that equates to rx medicine). It had been so frankly striking (dare I say shocking?) What a difference that has made. I now walk around, while still enthralled
    with what some feel is the cold world of managing the always-evolving word of technology day-to-day I also want for my carrying out of whatever aspect of tech to somehow be a beacon of light and happiness for whomever Im helping, because I’m learning more & more,, as the darkness of anxiety’s clouds have been (finally) dissipating, that it’s so much more inwardly warming to give happiness however your are able to with whatever your talents are than to just seek it and hope it comes your way. And I think to give happiness to others can somehow be an expression of ones Faith. Again thanks for the insight you share in this post (and you blog in general). Take Care.

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    1. Thank you for being so brave and bold in sharing your experience. It’s never easy. Our experiences are all very real, and they are each our own. We must trust that they are valid even if we have no one else to share in the passion they build. I hope you are supported in knowing that your own unique experience is extremely important and that your story is important to share. We each have a different experience with this world and the forces around us. This alone makes each of us pertinent and vitale to life as a whole. Thank you for sharing in my journey and for having the courage to share part of yours!! Please let me know if I can help in any way.

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